So this is mostly just for me to rant and get all of my feelings out, and help me feel better since as of late I have become both a selfish and selfless bitty.
I’ve been getting these feelings that once again I am the person trying the hardest in the relationship. Once again, he is one of my absolute main focuses, even more so than my friends and myself, and I now can see this is where I go wrong everytime. You spend all that time preparing yourself while you’re single to be the best you can be and do things for you; many do this in hopes that it makes them such a strong person that they attract a mate. But then, as soon as they get into the relationship, they lose sight of everything they gained when they were just working on themselves. This is what happened to me, folks.
I need to get back to that place where its all about me; where my emotions are not so vulnerable, where I myself am not so vulnerable. It absolutely sucks to have your emotions become determined on the actions or words of your significant other, that’s why I have to stop. I want to be me again. If its not really a problem that he doesnt see me one night, or he puts something ahead of me I dont want it to be a problem whenever I feel like doing the same to him (I haven’t thus far out of guilt) and I guess that its that way because most of our relationship is long distance: I live the school year at mizzou and he’s back in Illinois. This makes me feel obligated to spend the free time that I have with him. He obviously doesn’t feel that way.
Time to be selfish in the right way. Time to gain myself back. I am the most important always.